Анна Кареніна

Chapter 30

           “IfIcouldbeanythingbutamistress,passionatelycaringfornothingbuthiscaresses;butIcan’tandIdon’tcaretobeanythingelse.AndbythatdesireIrouseaversioninhim,andherousesfuryinme,anditcannotbedifferent.Don’tIknowthathewouldn’tdeceiveme,thathehasnoschemesaboutPrincessSorokina,thathe’snotinlovewithKitty,thathewon’tdesertme!Iknowallthat,butitmakesitnobetterforme.Ifwithoutlovingme,fromdutyhe’llbegoodandkindtome,withoutwhatIwant,that’sathousandtimesworsethanunkindness!That’shell!Andthat’sjusthowitis.Foralongwhilenowhehasn’tlovedme.Andwhereloveends,hatebegins.Idon’tknowthesestreetsatall.Hillsitseems,andstillhouses,andhouses....Andinthehousesalwayspeopleandpeople....Howmanyofthem,noend,andallhatingeachother!Come,letmetryandthinkwhatIwant,tomakemehappy.Well?SupposeIamdivorced,andAlexeyAlexandrovitchletsmehaveSeryozha,andImarryVronsky.”ThinkingofAlexeyAlexandrovitch,sheatoncepicturedhimwithextraordinaryvividnessasthoughhewerealivebeforeher,withhismild,lifeless,dulleyes,theblueveinsinhiswhitehands,hisintonationsandthecrackingofhisfingers,andrememberingthefeelingwhichhadexistedbetweenthem,andwhichwasalsocalledlove,sheshudderedwithloathing.“Well,I’mdivorced,andbecomeVronsky’swife.Well,willKittyceaselookingatmeasshelookedatmetoday?No.

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