Почуття та чутливість

Chapter XLIV

           Ihadleftheronlytheeveningbefore,sofully,sofirmlyresolvedwithinmyselfondoingright!Afewhoursweretohaveengagedhertomeforever;andIrememberhowhappy,howgayweremyspirits,asIwalkedfromthecottagetoAllenham,satisfiedwithmyself,delightedwitheverybody!Butinthis,ourlastinterviewoffriendship,Iapproachedherwithasenseofguiltthatalmosttookfrommethepowerofdissembling.Hersorrow,herdisappointment,herdeepregret,whenItoldherthatIwasobligedtoleaveDevonshiresoimmediately—Inevershallforgetit—unitedtoowithsuchreliance,suchconfidenceinme!—Oh,God!—whatahard-heartedrascalIwas!"

           Theywerebothsilentforafewmoments.Elinorfirstspoke.

           "Didyoutellherthatyoushouldsoonreturn?"

           "IdonotknowwhatItoldher,"hereplied,impatiently;"lessthanwasduetothepast,beyondadoubt,andinalllikelihoodmuchmorethanwasjustifiedbythefuture.Icannotthinkofit.—Itwon’tdo.—Thencameyourdearmothertotorturemefarther,withallherkindnessandconfidence.ThankHeaven!itDIDtortureme.Iwasmiserable.MissDashwood,youcannothaveanideaofthecomfortitgivesmetolookbackonmyownmisery.Iowesuchagrudgetomyselfforthestupid,rascallyfollyofmyownheart,thatallmypastsufferingsunderitareonlytriumphandexultationtomenow.Well,Iwent,leftallthatIloved,andwenttothosetowhom,atbest,Iwasonlyindifferent.

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