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Chapter 21. The History of a Self-Tormentor

           Iborewithhiscousin’spraisinghimtomyface,andwithherpretendingtothinkthatitpleasedme,butfullwellknowingthatitrankledinmybreast;forhissake.WhileIhavesatinhispresencerecallingallmyslightsandwrongs,anddeliberatingwhetherIshouldnotflyfromthehouseatonceandneverseehimagain—Ihavelovedhim.

           Hisaunt(myMistressyouwillpleasetoremember)deliberately,wilfully,addedtomytrialsandvexations.ItwasherdelighttoexpatiateonthestyleinwhichweweretoliveinIndia,andontheestablishmentweshouldkeep,andthecompanyweshouldentertainwhenhegothisadvancement.Myprideroseagainstthisbarefacedwayofpointingoutthecontrastmymarriedlifewastopresenttomythendependentandinferiorposition.Isuppressedmyindignation;butIshowedherthatherintentionwasnotlostuponme,andIrepaidherannoyancebyaffectinghumility.Whatshedescribedwouldsurelybeagreatdealtoomuchhonourforme,Iwouldtellher.IwasafraidImightnotbeabletosupportsogreatachange.Thinkofameregoverness,herdaughter’sgoverness,comingtothathighdistinction!Itmadeheruneasy,andmadethemalluneasy,whenIansweredinthisway.TheyknewthatIfullyunderstoodher.

           Itwasatthetimewhenmytroubleswereattheirhighest,andwhenIwasmostincensedagainstmyloverforhisingratitudeincaringaslittleashedidfortheinnumerabledistressesandmortificationsIunderwentonhisaccount,thatyourdearfriend,MrGowan,appearedatthehouse.Hehadbeenintimatethereforalongtime,buthadbeenabroad.

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