Крошка Доррит

Chapter 21. The History of a Self-Tormentor

           Heunderstoodthestateofthingsataglance,andheunderstoodme.

           HewasthefirstpersonIhadeverseeninmylifewhohadunderstoodme.HewasnotinthehousethreetimesbeforeIknewthatheaccompaniedeverymovementofmymind.Inhiscoldlyeasywaywithallofthem,andwithme,andwiththewholesubject,Isawitclearly.Inhislightprotestationsofadmirationofmyfuturehusband,inhisenthusiasmregardingourengagementandourprospects,inhishopefulcongratulationsonourfuturewealthandhisdespondentreferencestohisownpoverty—allequallyhollow,andjesting,andfullofmockery—Isawitclearly.Hemademefeelmoreandmoreresentful,andmoreandmorecontemptible,byalwayspresentingtomeeverythingthatsurroundedmewithsomenewhatefullightuponit,whilehepretendedtoexhibititinitsbestaspectformyadmirationandhisown.Hewaslikethedressed-upDeathintheDutchseries;whateverfigurehetookuponhisarm,whetheritwasyouthorage,beautyorugliness,whetherhedancedwithit,sangwithit,playedwithit,orprayedwithit,hemadeitghastly.

           Youwillunderstand,then,thatwhenyourdearfriendcomplimentedme,hereallycondoledwithme;thatwhenhesoothedmeundermyvexations,helaidbareeverysmartingwoundIhad;thatwhenhedeclaredmy‘faithfulswain’tobe‘themostlovingyoungfellowintheworld,withthetenderestheartthateverbeat,’hetouchedmyoldmisgivingthatIwasmaderidiculous.Thesewerenotgreatservices,youmaysay.Theywereacceptabletome,becausetheyechoedmyownmind,andconfirmedmyownknowledge.

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