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Chapter 21. The History of a Self-Tormentor

           Hetooknopainstohideit;andcausedmetofeelamongtherichpeopleasifhehadboughtmeformylooks,andmadeashowofhispurchasetojustifyhimself.Theyappraisedmeintheirownminds,Isaw,andwerecurioustoascertainwhatmyfullvaluewas.Iresolvedthattheyshouldnotknow.Iwasimmovableandsilentbeforethem;andwouldhavesufferedanyoneofthemtokillmesoonerthanIwouldhavelaidmyselfouttobespeaktheirapproval.

           HetoldmeIdidnotdomyselfjustice.ItoldhimIdid,anditwasbecauseIdidandmeanttodosotothelast,thatIwouldnotstooptopropitiateanyofthem.Hewasconcernedandevenshocked,whenIaddedthatIwishedhewouldnotparadehisattachmentbeforethem;buthesaidhewouldsacrificeeventhehonestimpulsesofhisaffectiontomypeace.

           Underthatpretencehebegantoretortuponme.Bythehourtogether,hewouldkeepatadistancefromme,talkingtoanyoneratherthantome.Ihavesataloneandunnoticed,halfanevening,whileheconversedwithhisyoungcousin,mypupil.Ihaveseenallthewhile,inpeople’seyes,thattheythoughtthetwolookedneareronanequalitythanheandI.Ihavesat,diviningtheirthoughts,untilIhavefeltthathisyoungappearancemademeridiculous,andhaveragedagainstmyselfforeverlovinghim.

           ForIdidlovehimonce.Undeservingashewas,andlittleashethoughtofalltheseagoniesthatitcostme—agonieswhichshouldhavemadehimwhollyandgratefullyminetohislife’send—Ilovedhim.

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