Менсфілд Парк

Chapter XLIV

           Connectedaswealreadyare,and,Ihope,aretobe,togiveupMaryCrawfordwouldbetogiveupthesocietyofsomeofthosemostdeartome;tobanishmyselffromtheveryhousesandfriendswhom,underanyotherdistress,Ishouldturntoforconsolation.ThelossofMaryImustconsiderascomprehendingthelossofCrawfordandofFanny.Wereitadecidedthing,anactualrefusal,IhopeIshouldknowhowtobearit,andhowtoendeavourtoweakenherholdonmyheart,andinthecourseofafewyears—butIamwritingnonsense.WereIrefused,Imustbearit;andtillIam,Icanneverceasetotryforher.Thisisthetruth.Theonlyquestionishow?Whatmaybethelikeliestmeans?IhavesometimesthoughtofgoingtoLondonagainafterEaster,andsometimesresolvedondoingnothingtillshereturnstoMansfield.Evennow,shespeakswithpleasureofbeinginMansfieldinJune;butJuneisatagreatdistance,andIbelieveIshallwritetoher.Ihavenearlydeterminedonexplainingmyselfbyletter.Tobeatanearlycertaintyisamaterialobject.Mypresentstateismiserablyirksome.Consideringeverything,Ithinkaletterwillbedecidedlythebestmethodofexplanation.IshallbeabletowritemuchthatIcouldnotsay,andshallbegivinghertimeforreflectionbeforesheresolvesonheranswer,andIamlessafraidoftheresultofreflectionthanofanimmediatehastyimpulse;IthinkIam.MygreatestdangerwouldlieinherconsultingMrs.Fraser,andIatadistanceunabletohelpmyowncause.

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