Менсфілд Парк

Chapter XLIV

           WhenIthinkofhergreatattachmenttoyou,indeed,andthewholeofherjudicious,uprightconductasasister,sheappearsaverydifferentcreature,capableofeverythingnoble,andIamreadytoblamemyselfforatooharshconstructionofaplayfulmanner.Icannotgiveherup,Fanny.SheistheonlywomanintheworldwhomIcouldeverthinkofasawife.IfIdidnotbelievethatshehadsomeregardforme,ofcourseIshouldnotsaythis,butIdobelieveit.Iamconvincedthatsheisnotwithoutadecidedpreference.Ihavenojealousyofanyindividual.ItistheinfluenceofthefashionableworldaltogetherthatIamjealousof.ItisthehabitsofwealththatIfear.Herideasarenothigherthanherownfortunemaywarrant,buttheyarebeyondwhatourincomesunitedcouldauthorise.Thereiscomfort,however,evenhere.Icouldbetterbeartoloseherbecausenotrichenough,thanbecauseofmyprofession.Thatwouldonlyproveheraffectionnotequaltosacrifices,which,infact,Iamscarcelyjustifiedinasking;and,ifIamrefused,that,Ithink,willbethehonestmotive.Herprejudices,Itrust,arenotsostrongastheywere.Youhavemythoughtsexactlyastheyarise,mydearFanny;perhapstheyaresometimescontradictory,butitwillnotbealessfaithfulpictureofmymind.Havingoncebegun,itisapleasuretometotellyouallIfeel.Icannotgiveherup.

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