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Chapter XXXIV

           "Onefittedtomypurpose,youmeanfittedtomyvocation. AgainItellyouitisnottheinsignificantprivateindividualthemereman,withtheman’sselfishsensesIwishtomate:itisthemissionary." 

           "AndIwillgivethemissionarymyenergiesitisallhewantsbutnotmyself:thatwouldbeonlyaddingthehuskandshelltothekernel.Forthemhehasnouse:Iretainthem." 

           "Youcannotyououghtnot. DoyouthinkGodwillbesatisfiedwithhalfanoblation?WillHeacceptamutilatedsacrifice?ItisthecauseofGodIadvocate:itisunderHisstandardIenlistyou. IcannotacceptonHisbehalfadividedallegiance:itmustbeentire." 

           "Oh!IwillgivemyhearttoGod,"Isaid."youdonotwantit." 

           Iwillnotswear,reader,thattherewasnotsomethingofrepressedsarcasmbothinthetoneinwhichIutteredthissentence,andinthefeelingthataccompaniedit. IhadsilentlyfearedSt.Johntillnow,becauseIhadnotunderstoodhim.Hehadheldmeinawe,becausehehadheldmeindoubt.Howmuchofhimwassaint,howmuchmortal,Icouldnotheretoforetell:butrevelationswerebeingmadeinthisconference:theanalysisofhisnaturewasproceedingbeforemyeyes. Isawhisfallibilities:Icomprehendedthem. Iunderstoodthat,sittingtherewhereIdid,onthebankofheath,andwiththathandsomeformbeforeme,Isatatthefeetofaman,caringasI. Theveilfellfromhishardnessanddespotism. Havingfeltinhimthepresenceofthesequalities,Ifelthisimperfectionandtookcourage. 

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