Крошка Доррит

Chapter 21. The History of a Self-Tormentor

           Ineversaidanotherwordtoeitherofthem,ortoanyofthem,but‘Sendmehome,orIwillwalkhomealone,nightandday!’WhenIgothome,Itoldmysupposedgrandmotherthat,unlessIwassentawaytofinishmyeducationsomewhereelsebeforethatgirlcameback,orbeforeanyoneofthemcameback,Iwouldburnmysightawaybythrowingmyselfintothefire,ratherthanIwouldenduretolookattheirplottingfaces.

           Iwentamongyoungwomennext,andIfoundthemnobetter.Fairwordsandfairpretences;butIpenetratedbelowthoseassertionsofthemselvesanddepreciationsofme,andtheywerenobetter.BeforeIleftthem,IlearnedthatIhadnograndmotherandnorecognisedrelation.Icarriedthelightofthatinformationbothintomypastandintomyfuture.Itshowedmemanynewoccasionsonwhichpeopletriumphedoverme,whentheymadeapretenceoftreatingmewithconsideration,ordoingmeaservice.

           Amanofbusinesshadasmallpropertyintrustforme.Iwastobeagoverness;Ibecameagoverness;andwentintothefamilyofapoornobleman,wherethereweretwodaughters—littlechildren,buttheparentswishedthemtogrowup,ifpossible,underoneinstructress.Themotherwasyoungandpretty.Fromthefirst,shemadeashowofbehavingtomewithgreatdelicacy.Ikeptmyresentmenttomyself;butIknewverywellthatitwasherwayofpettingtheknowledgethatshewasmyMistress,andmighthavebehaveddifferentlytoherservantifithadbeenherfancy.

           IsayIdidnotresentit,nordidI;butIshowedher,bynotgratifyingher,thatIunderstoodher.

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