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Chapter 5

           Butagainaloathingforallmentalexertionovermasteredhim;hewouldnotthinkitoutnow,hewouldputitoffandthinkofsomethingelse.Herememberedthatduringhisepilepticfits,orratherimmediatelyprecedingthem,hehadalwaysexperiencedamomentortwowhenhiswholeheart,andmind,andbodyseemedtowakeuptovigourandlight;whenhebecamefilledwithjoyandhope,andallhisanxietiesseemedtobesweptawayforever;thesemomentswerebutpresentiments,asitwere,oftheonefinalsecond(itwasnevermorethanasecond)inwhichthefitcameuponhim.Thatsecond,ofcourse,wasinexpressible.Whenhisattackwasover,andtheprincereflectedonhissymptoms,heusedtosaytohimself:“Thesemoments,shortastheyare,whenIfeelsuchextremeconsciousnessofmyself,andconsequentlymoreoflifethanatothertimes,aredueonlytothediseasetothesuddenruptureofnormalconditions.Thereforetheyarenotreallyahigherkindoflife,butalower.”Thisreasoning,however,seemedtoendinaparadox,andleadtothefurtherconsideration:“Whatmatterthoughitbeonlydisease,anabnormaltensionofthebrain,ifwhenIrecallandanalyzethemoment,itseemstohavebeenoneofharmonyandbeautyinthehighestdegreeaninstantofdeepestsensation,overflowingwithunboundedjoyandrapture,ecstaticdevotion,andcompletestlife?”Vaguethoughthissounds,itwasperfectlycomprehensibletoMuishkin,thoughheknewthatitwasbutafeebleexpressionofhissensations.

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