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Chapter 2

           

           “Ifitallhasreallybeendonedeliberatelyandnotidiotically,ifIreallyhadacertainanddefiniteobject,howisitIdidnotevenglanceintothepurseanddon’tknowwhatIhadthere,forwhichIhaveundergonetheseagonies,andhavedeliberatelyundertakenthisbase,filthydegradingbusiness?AndhereIwantedatoncetothrowintothewaterthepursetogetherwithallthethingswhichIhadnotseeneither...how’sthat?”

           Yes,thatwasso,thatwasallso.Yethehadknownitallbefore,anditwasnotanewquestionforhim,evenwhenitwasdecidedinthenightwithouthesitationandconsideration,asthoughsoitmustbe,asthoughitcouldnotpossiblybeotherwise....Yes,hehadknownitall,andunderstooditall;itsurelyhadallbeensettledevenyesterdayatthemomentwhenhewasbendingovertheboxandpullingthejewel-casesoutofit....Yes,soitwas.

           “ItisbecauseIamveryill,”hedecidedgrimlyatlast,“Ihavebeenworryingandfrettingmyself,andIdon’tknowwhatIamdoing....YesterdayandthedaybeforeyesterdayandallthistimeIhavebeenworryingmyself....IshallgetwellandIshallnotworry....ButwhatifIdon’tgetwellatall?GoodGod,howsickIamofitall!”

           Hewalkedonwithoutresting.Hehadaterriblelongingforsomedistraction,buthedidnotknowwhattodo,whattoattempt.Anewoverwhelmingsensationwasgainingmoreandmoremasteryoverhimeverymoment;thiswasanimmeasurable,almostphysical,repulsionforeverythingsurroundinghim,anobstinate,malignantfeelingofhatred.

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