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Chapter 2

           

           “No,no,LizabethaProkofievna,takenonoticeofme.Iamnotgoingtohaveafit.Iwillgoawaydirectly;butIknowIamafflicted.Iwastwenty-fouryearsaninvalid,youseethefirsttwenty-fouryearsofmylifesotakeallIdoandsayasthesayingsandactionsofaninvalid.I’mgoingawaydirectly,Ireallyamdon’tbeafraid.Iamnotblushing,forIdon’tthinkIneedblushaboutit,needI?ButIseethatIamoutofplaceinsocietysocietyisbetterwithoutme.It’snotvanity,Iassureyou.Ihavethoughtoveritalltheselastthreedays,andIhavemadeupmymindthatIoughttounbosommyselfcandidlybeforeyouatthefirstopportunity.Therearecertainthings,certaingreatideas,whichImustnotsomuchasapproach,asPrinceS.hasjustremindedme,orIshallmakeyoualllaugh.Ihavenosenseofproportion,Iknow;mywordsandgesturesdonotexpressmyideastheyareahumiliationandabasementoftheideas,andtherefore,IhavenorightandIamtoosensitive.Still,IbelieveIambelovedinthishousehold,andesteemedfarmorethanIdeserve.ButIcan’thelpknowingthataftertwenty-fouryearsofillnesstheremustbesometraceleft,sothatitisimpossibleforpeopletorefrainfromlaughingatmesometimes;don’tyouthinkso?”

           Heseemedtopauseforareply,forsomeverdict,asitwere,andlookedhumblyaroundhim.

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