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Chapter 2

           

           “No,no,LizabethaProkofievna,takenonoticeofme.Iamnotgoingtohaveafit.Iwillgoawaydirectly;butIknowIamafflicted.Iwastwenty-fouryearsaninvalid,yousee—thefirsttwenty-fouryearsofmylife—sotakeallIdoandsayasthesayingsandactionsofaninvalid.I’mgoingawaydirectly,Ireallyam—don’tbeafraid.Iamnotblushing,forIdon’tthinkIneedblushaboutit,needI?ButIseethatIamoutofplaceinsociety—societyisbetterwithoutme.It’snotvanity,Iassureyou.Ihavethoughtoveritalltheselastthreedays,andIhavemadeupmymindthatIoughttounbosommyselfcandidlybeforeyouatthefirstopportunity.Therearecertainthings,certaingreatideas,whichImustnotsomuchasapproach,asPrinceS.hasjustremindedme,orIshallmakeyoualllaugh.Ihavenosenseofproportion,Iknow;mywordsandgesturesdonotexpressmyideas—theyareahumiliationandabasementoftheideas,andtherefore,Ihavenoright—andIamtoosensitive.Still,IbelieveIambelovedinthishousehold,andesteemedfarmorethanIdeserve.ButIcan’thelpknowingthataftertwenty-fouryearsofillnesstheremustbesometraceleft,sothatitisimpossibleforpeopletorefrainfromlaughingatmesometimes;don’tyouthinkso?”

           Heseemedtopauseforareply,forsomeverdict,asitwere,andlookedhumblyaroundhim.

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