Американская трагедия

Chapter 45

           Yet,alas,ashealsowrotenow,souncertainwashe,evennow,astohowhewastodo,therewerecertaindetailsinconnectionwithhisworkherethatmightdelayhimadayortwoorthree—hecouldnottellasyet—butwouldwriteherbythesecondatthelatest,whenhewouldknowpositively.Yetsayingtohimselfashewrotethis,ifshebutknewwhatthosedetailswere—ifshebutknew.Yetinpenningthis,andwithouthavingasyetansweredthelastimportunateletterfromRoberta,hewasalsosayingtohimselfthatthisdidnotmeanthathewasplanningtogotoRobertaatall,orthatifhedid,itdidnotmeanthathewasgoingtoattempttokillher.Neveroncedidhehonestly,ortoputitmoreaccurately,forthrightlyandcourageouslyorcoldlyfacethethoughtofcommittingsogrimacrime.Onthecontrary,thenearerheapproachedafinalresolutionortheneedforoneinconnectionwithallthis,themorehideousandterribleseemedtheidea—hideousanddifficult,andhencethemoreimprobableitseemedthatheshouldevercommitit.Itwastruethatfrommomenttomoment—arguingwithhimselfasheconstantlywas—sweatingmentalsweatsandfleeingfrommoralandsocialterrorsinconnectionwithitall,hewasthinkingfromtimetotimethathemightgotoBigBitterninordertoquietherinconnectionwiththesepresentimportunitiesandthreatsandhence(oncemoreevasion—tergiversationwithhimself)givehimselfmoretimeinwhichtoconcludewhathistruecoursemustbe.

           ThewayoftheLake.

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