Холодний дім

Esther’s Narrative

           Ifanyrealdisadvantagecanattachtoyourpositioninthemindofanymanorwomanworthathought,itisrightthatyouatleastofalltheworldshouldnotmagnifyittoyourselfbyhavingvagueimpressionsofitsnature."IsatdownandsaidafteralittleefforttobeascalmasIoughttobe,"Oneofmyearliestremembrances,guardian,isofthesewords:’Yourmother,Esther,isyourdisgrace,andyouwerehers.Thetimewillcome,andsoonenough,whenyouwillunderstandthisbetter,andwillfeelittoo,asnoonesaveawomancan.’"Ihadcoveredmyfacewithmyhandsinrepeatingthewords,butItookthemawaynowwithabetterkindofshame,Ihope,andtoldhimthattohimIowedtheblessingthatIhadfrommychildhoodtothathournever,never,neverfeltit.Heputuphishandasiftostopme.Iwellknewthathewasnevertobethanked,andsaidnomore."Nineyears,mydear,"hesaidafterthinkingforalittlewhile,"havepassedsinceIreceivedaletterfromaladylivinginseclusion,writtenwithasternpassionandpowerthatrendereditunlikeallotherlettersIhaveeverread.Itwaswrittentome(asittoldmeinsomanywords),perhapsbecauseitwasthewriter’sidiosyncrasytoputthattrustinme,perhapsbecauseitwasminetojustifyit.Ittoldmeofachild,anorphangirlthentwelveyearsold,insomesuchcruelwordsasthosewhichliveinyourremembrance.

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