Холодний дім

Esther’s Narrative

           ButImadeitout,byputtingthemtogether,thatAdawasnotsofranklycheerfulwithmeassheusedtobe.Hertendernessformewasaslovingandtrueasever;Ididnotforamomentdoubtthat;buttherewasaquietsorrowaboutherwhichshedidnotconfidetome,andinwhichItracedsomehiddenregret.Now,Icouldnotunderstandthis,andIwassoanxiousforthehappinessofmyownpetthatitcausedmesomeuneasinessandsetmethinkingoften.Atlength,feelingsurethatAdasuppressedthissomethingfrommelestitshouldmakemeunhappytoo,itcameintomyheadthatshewasalittlegrieved—forme—bywhatIhadtoldheraboutBleakHouse.HowIpersuadedmyselfthatthiswaslikely,Idon’tknow.Ihadnoideathattherewasanyselfishreferenceinmydoingso.Iwasnotgrievedformyself:Iwasquitecontentedandquitehappy.Still,thatAdamightbethinking—forme,thoughIhadabandonedallsuchthoughts—ofwhatoncewas,butwasnowallchanged,seemedsoeasytobelievethatIbelievedit.WhatcouldIdotoreassuremydarling(Iconsideredthen)andshowherthatIhadnosuchfeelings?Well!Icouldonlybeasbriskandbusyaspossible,andthatIhadtriedtobeallalong.However,asCaddy’sillnesshadcertainlyinterfered,moreorless,withmyhomeduties—thoughIhadalwaysbeenthereinthemorningtomakemyguardian’sbreakfast,andhehadahundredtimeslaughedandsaidtheremustbetwolittlewomen,forhislittlewomanwasnevermissing—Iresolvedtobedoublydiligentandgay.

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