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Chapter 31

           Mostlyofhavinglifesuddenlybecometooreal,ofbeingbroughtintopersonal,toopersonal,contactwithsomeofthesimplefactsoflife.Itisn’tthatImindsplittinglogshereinthemud,butIdomindwhatitstandsfor.Idomind,verymuch,thelossofthebeautyoftheoldlifeIloved.Scarlett,beforethewar,lifewasbeautiful.Therewasaglamortoit,aperfectionandacompletenessandasymmetrytoitlikeGrecianart.Maybeitwasn’tsotoeveryone.Iknowthatnow.Buttome,livingatTwelveOaks,therewasarealbeautytoliving.Ibelongedinthatlife.Iwasapartofit.AndnowitisgoneandIamoutofplaceinthisnewlife,andIamafraid.Now,IknowthatintheolddaysitwasashadowshowIwatched.Iavoidedeverythingwhichwasnotshadowy,peopleandsituationswhichweretooreal,toovital.Iresentedtheirintrusion.Itriedtoavoidyoutoo,Scarlett.YouweretoofulloflivingandtoorealandIwascowardlyenoughtoprefershadowsanddreams."

           "ButbutMelly?"

           "Melanieisthegentlestofdreamsandapartofmydreaming.AndifthewarhadnotcomeIwouldhavelivedoutmylife,happilyburiedatTwelveOaks,contentedlywatchinglifegobyandneverbeingapartofit.Butwhenthewarcame,lifeasitreallyisthrustitselfagainstme.ThefirsttimeIwentintoactionitwasatBullRun,yourememberIsawmyboyhoodfriendsblowntobitsandhearddyinghorsesscreamandlearnedthesickeninglyhorriblefeelingofseeingmencrumpleupandspitbloodwhenIshotthem.

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