Девід Копперфільд

Domestic

           

           InfulfilmentofthecompactIhavemadewithmyself,toreflectmymindonthispaper,Iagainexamineit,closely,andbringitssecretstothelight.WhatImissed,IstillregardedIalwaysregardedassomethingthathadbeenadreamofmyyouthfulfancy;thatwasincapableofrealization;thatIwasnowdiscoveringtobeso,withsomenaturalpain,asallmendid.Butthatitwouldhavebeenbetterformeifmywifecouldhavehelpedmemore,andsharedthemanythoughtsinwhichIhadnopartner;andthatthismighthavebeen;Iknew.

           Betweenthesetwoirreconcilableconclusions:theone,thatwhatIfeltwasgeneralandunavoidable;theother,thatitwasparticulartome,andmighthavebeendifferent:Ibalancedcuriously,withnodistinctsenseoftheiroppositiontoeachother.WhenIthoughtoftheairydreamsofyouththatareincapableofrealization,IthoughtofthebetterstateprecedingmanhoodthatIhadoutgrown;andthenthecontenteddayswithAgnes,inthedearoldhouse,arosebeforeme,likespectresofthedead,thatmighthavesomerenewalinanotherworld,butnevermorecouldbereanimatedhere.

           Sometimes,thespeculationcameintomythoughts,Whatmighthavehappened,orwhatwouldhavehappened,ifDoraandIhadneverknowneachother?Butshewassoincorporatedwithmyexistence,thatitwastheidlestofallfancies,andwouldsoonriseoutofmyreachandsight,likegossamerfloatingintheair.

           Ialwayslovedher.

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