The Beginning of a Long Journey

           Whatisnaturalinme,isnaturalinmanyothermen,Iinfer,andsoIamnotafraidtowritethatIneverhadlovedSteerforthbetterthanwhenthetiesthatboundmetohimwerebroken.Inthekeendistressofthediscoveryofhisunworthiness,Ithoughtmoreofallthatwasbrilliantinhim,Isoftenedmoretowardsallthatwasgoodinhim,Ididmorejusticetothequalitiesthatmighthavemadehimamanofanoblenatureandagreatname,thaneverIhaddoneintheheightofmydevotiontohim.DeeplyasIfeltmyownunconsciouspartinhispollutionofanhonesthome,IbelievedthatifIhadbeenbroughtfacetofacewithhim,Icouldnothaveutteredonereproach.Ishouldhavelovedhimsowellstill—thoughhefascinatedmenolonger—Ishouldhaveheldinsomuchtendernessthememoryofmyaffectionforhim,thatIthinkIshouldhavebeenasweakasaspirit-woundedchild,inallbuttheentertainmentofathoughtthatwecouldeverbere-united.ThatthoughtIneverhad.Ifelt,ashehadfelt,thatallwasatanendbetweenus.Whathisremembrancesofmewere,Ihaveneverknown—theywerelightenough,perhaps,andeasilydismissed—butmineofhimwereastheremembrancesofacherishedfriend,whowasdead.

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