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Chapter 2

           Everybodyknowsthestoryofanotherexperimentalphilosopher whohadagreattheoryaboutahorsebeingabletolivewithouteating, andwhodemonstrateditsowell, thathehadgothisownhorsedown toastrawaday, andwouldunquestionablyhaverenderedhimaveryspiritedandrampaciousanimalonnothingatall, ifhehadnotdied,four-and-twentyhoursbeforehewastohavehadhisfirstcomfortablebaitofair. Unfortunatelyfor,theexperimenalphilosophyofthefemale towhoseprotectingcareOliverTwistwasdeliveredover, asimilarresultusuallyattendedtheoperationofHERsystem; forattheverymomentwhenthechildhadcontrivedtoexistuponthesmallestpossibleportionoftheweakestpossiblefood, itdidperverselyhappenineightandahalfcasesoutoften, eitherthatitsickenedfromwantandcold,orfellintothefirefromneglect, orgothalf-smotheredbyaccident; inanyoneofwhichcases,themiserablelittlebeingwasusuallysummonedintoanotherworld, andtheregatheredtothefathersithadneverknowninthis. 

           Occasionally,whentherewassomemorethanusuallyinterestinginquestuponaparishchild whohadbeenoverlookedinturningupabedstead, orinadvertentlyscaldedtodeathwhentherehappenedtobeawashing thoughthelatteraccidentwasveryscarce,anythingapproachingtoawashingbeingofrareoccuranceinthefarm thejurywouldtakeitintotheirheadstoasktroublesomequestions, ortheparishionerswouldrebelliouslyaffixtheirsignaturestoaremonstrance. Buttheseimpertinenceswerespeedilycheckedbytheevidenceofthesurgeon, andthetestimonyofthebeadle; theformerofwhomhadalwaysopenedthebodyandfoundnothinginside (whichwasveryprobableindeed), andthelatterofwhominvariablysworewhatevertheparishwanted; whichwasveryself-devotional. 

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