Chapter 18

           Dayafterday,weekafterweek,passedawayonmyreturntoGeneva;andIcouldnotcollectthecouragetorecommencemywork.Ifearedthevengeanceofthedisappointedfiend,yetIwasunabletoovercomemyrepugnancetothetaskwhichwasenjoinedme.IfoundthatIcouldnotcomposeafemalewithoutagaindevotingseveralmonthstoprofoundstudyandlaboriousdisquisition.IhadheardofsomediscoverieshavingbeenmadebyanEnglishphilosopher,theknowledgeofwhichwasmaterialtomysuccess,andIsometimesthoughtofobtainingmyfather’sconsenttovisitEnglandforthispurpose;butIclungtoeverypretenceofdelayandshrankfromtakingthefirststepinanundertakingwhoseimmediatenecessitybegantoappearlessabsolutetome.Achangeindeedhadtakenplaceinme;myhealth,whichhadhithertodeclined,wasnowmuchrestored;andmyspirits,whenuncheckedbythememoryofmyunhappypromise,roseproportionably.Myfathersawthischangewithpleasure,andheturnedhisthoughtstowardsthebestmethodoferadicatingtheremainsofmymelancholy,whicheverynowandthenwouldreturnbyfits,andwithadevouringblacknessovercasttheapproachingsunshine.AtthesemomentsItookrefugeinthemostperfectsolitude.Ipassedwholedaysonthelakealoneinalittleboat,watchingthecloudsandlisteningtotheripplingofthewaves,silentandlistless.Butthefreshairandbrightsunseldomfailedtorestoremetosomedegreeofcomposure,andonmyreturnImetthesalutationsofmyfriendswithareadiersmileandamorecheerfulheart.

           Itwasaftermyreturnfromoneoftheseramblesthatmyfather,callingmeaside,thusaddressedme,

           "Iamhappytoremark,mydearson,thatyouhaveresumedyourformerpleasuresandseemtobereturningtoyourself.Andyetyouarestillunhappyandstillavoidoursociety.