Chapter 9

           Nothingismorepainfultothehumanmindthan,afterthefeelingshavebeenworkedupbyaquicksuccessionofevents,thedeadcalmnessofinactionandcertaintywhichfollowsanddeprivesthesoulbothofhopeandfear.Justinedied,sherested,andIwasalive.Thebloodflowedfreelyinmyveins,butaweightofdespairandremorsepressedonmyheartwhichnothingcouldremove.Sleepfledfrommyeyes;Iwanderedlikeanevilspirit,forIhadcommitteddeedsofmischiefbeyonddescriptionhorrible,andmore,muchmore(Ipersuadedmyself)wasyetbehind.Yetmyheartoverflowedwithkindnessandtheloveofvirtue.IhadbegunlifewithbenevolentintentionsandthirstedforthemomentwhenIshouldputtheminpracticeandmakemyselfusefultomyfellowbeings.Nowallwasblasted;insteadofthatserenityofconsciencewhichallowedmetolookbackuponthepastwithself-satisfaction,andfromthencetogatherpromiseofnewhopes,Iwasseizedbyremorseandthesenseofguilt,whichhurriedmeawaytoahellofintensetorturessuchasnolanguagecandescribe.

           Thisstateofmindpreyeduponmyhealth,whichhadperhapsneverentirelyrecoveredfromthefirstshockithadsustained.Ishunnedthefaceofman;allsoundofjoyorcomplacencywastorturetome;solitudewasmyonlyconsolation—deep,dark,deathlikesolitude.

           Myfatherobservedwithpainthealterationperceptibleinmydispositionandhabitsandendeavouredbyargumentsdeducedfromthefeelingsofhissereneconscienceandguiltlesslifetoinspiremewithfortitudeandawakeninmethecouragetodispelthedarkcloudwhichbroodedoverme."Doyouthink,Victor,"saidhe,"thatIdonotsufferalso?NoonecouldloveachildmorethanIlovedyourbrother"—tearscameintohiseyesashespoke—"butisitnotadutytothesurvivorsthatweshouldrefrainfromaugmentingtheirunhappinessbyanappearanceofimmoderategrief?