Скорбота сатани

Chapter 42

           Ah,thesweetnessofthatearnedhundredpounds!IfeltaKingofindependence!—realmsofambitionandattainmentopenedoutbeforeme—lifesmileduponmeasithadneversmiledbefore.Talkofpoverty!Iwasrich!——richwithahundredpoundsmadeoutofmyownbrain-labour—andIenviednomillionairethateverflauntedhisgoldbeneaththesun!IthoughtofMavisClare,...butdarednotdwelltoolonguponhergentleimage.Intimeperhaps,...whenIhadsettleddowntofreshwork,...whenIhadformedmylifeasImeanttoformit,inthehabitsoffaith,firmnessandunselfishness,Iwouldwritetoherandtellherall—all,eventothatdreadinsightintoworldsunseen,beyondtheboundariesofanunknownregionofeverlastingfrozensnow!Butnow——nowIresolvedtostandalone—fightingmybattleasamanshouldfight,seekingforneitherhelpnorsympathy,andtrustingnotinSelf,butGodonly.MoreoverIcouldnotinducemyselfyettolookagainuponWillowsmere.Theplacewasterror-hauntedforme;andthoughLordEltonwithacuriouscondescension,(seeingthatitwastomeheowedthefreegiftofhisformerproperty)invitedmetostaythere,andprofessedacertainlameregretforthe‘heavyfinanciallosses’Ihadsustained,Isawinthetoneofhisepistlethathelookeduponmesomewhatinthelightofamadmanaftermyrefusaltotakeupthematterofmyabscondingsolicitors,andthathewouldratherIstayedaway.

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