Скорбота сатани

Chapter 36

           Torecover!howfoolishofme,seeingIamabouttodie.IdonotbelieveinghostsyetIcouldhaveswornmymotherwasactuallypresentjustnowofcourseitwasanopticaldelusionofmyownfeverishbrain.ThestrongscentonmyhandkerchiefremindsmeofParisIcanseetheshopwhereIboughtthisparticularperfume,andthewell-dresseddollofamanwhoservedme,withhislittlewaxedmoustache,andhisindefinableFrenchmannerofconveyingaspeechlesspersonalcomplimentwhilemakingoutabill....Laughingatthisrecollection,Iseemyfaceradiateintheglassmyeyesflashintovividlustre,andthedimplesnearmylipscomeandgo,givingmyexpressionanenchantingsweetness.Yetinafewhoursthislovelinesswillbedestroyedandinafewdays,thewormswilltwinewherethesmileisnow!

           ·····AnideahascomeuponmethatperhapsIoughttosayaprayer.Itwouldbehypocriticalbutconventional.Todiefashionably,oneoughttoconcedeafewwordstothechurch.Andyet...tokneeldownwithclaspedhandsandtellaninactive,unsympathetic,selfish,paidcommunitycalledthechurch,thatIamgoingtokillmyselfforthesakeofloveandlove’sdespair,andthatthereforeIhumblyimploreitsforgivenessfortheactseemsabsurdasabsurdastotellthesamethingtoanon-existentDeity.Isupposethescientistsdonotthinkwhatastrangepredicamenttheiradvancedtheoriesputthehumanmindinatthehourofdeath.

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