Холодный дом

Esther’s Narrative

           Ifhewerenottherewhenwewentin,andIbegantohopehewouldnotcomeandyieldedmyselfforalittlewhiletotheinterestofthescene,IwascertaintoencounterhislanguishingeyeswhenIleastexpecteditand,fromthattime,tobequitesurethattheywerefixeduponmealltheevening.Ireallycannotexpresshowuneasythismademe.Ifhewouldonlyhavebrusheduphishairorturneduphiscollar,itwouldhavebeenbadenough;buttoknowthatthatabsurdfigurewasalwaysgazingatme,andalwaysinthatdemonstrativestateofdespondency,putsuchaconstraintuponmethatIdidnotliketolaughattheplay,ortocryatit,ortomove,ortospeak.Iseemedabletodonothingnaturally.AstoescapingMr.Guppybygoingtothebackofthebox,IcouldnotbeartodothatbecauseIknewRichardandAdareliedonhavingmenextthemandthattheycouldneverhavetalkedtogethersohappilyifanybodyelsehadbeeninmyplace.SothereIsat,notknowingwheretolookforwhereverIlooked,IknewMr.Guppy’seyeswerefollowingmeandthinkingofthedreadfulexpensetowhichthisyoungmanwasputtinghimselfonmyaccount.SometimesIthoughtoftellingMr.Jarndyce.ThenIfearedthattheyoungmanwouldlosehissituationandthatImightruinhim.SometimesIthoughtofconfidinginRichard,butwasdeterredbythepossibilityofhisfightingMr.Guppyandgivinghimblackeyes.SometimesIthought,shouldIfrownathimorshakemyhead.ThenIfeltIcouldnotdoit.

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