Преступление и наказание

Chapter 4

           Hush,Sonia,hush!”herepeatedwithgloomyinsistence.“Iknowitall,Ihavethoughtitalloverandoverandwhispereditallovertomyself,lyingthereinthedark....I’veargueditalloverwithmyself,everypointofit,andIknowitall,all!Andhowsick,howsickIwasthenofgoingoveritall!Ihavekeptwantingtoforgetitandmakeanewbeginning,Sonia,andleaveoffthinking.Andyoudon’tsupposethatIwentintoitheadlonglikeafool?Iwentintoitlikeawiseman,andthatwasjustmydestruction.Andyoumustn’tsupposethatIdidn’tknow,forinstance,thatifIbegantoquestionmyselfwhetherIhadtherighttogainpowerIcertainlyhadn’ttherightorthatifIaskedmyselfwhetherahumanbeingisalouseitprovedthatitwasn’tsoforme,thoughitmightbeforamanwhowouldgostraighttohisgoalwithoutaskingquestions....IfIworriedmyselfallthosedays,wonderingwhetherNapoleonwouldhavedoneitornot,IfeltclearlyofcoursethatIwasn’tNapoleon.Ihadtoendurealltheagonyofthatbattleofideas,Sonia,andIlongedtothrowitoff:Iwantedtomurderwithoutcasuistry,tomurderformyownsake,formyselfalone!Ididn’twanttolieaboutiteventomyself.Itwasn’ttohelpmymotherIdidthemurderthat’snonsenseIdidn’tdothemurdertogainwealthandpowerandtobecomeabenefactorofmankind.

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