First Experience of Life

           

           ThereaderwillkindlyexcuseusifwegiveveryfewclearanddefinitefactsconcerningthisperiodofJulien’slife.Itisnotthatwelackfacts;quitethecontrary.Butitmaybethatwhathesawintheseminaryistooblackforthemediumcolourwhichtheauthorhasendeavouredtopreservethroughoutthesepages.Thoseofourcontemporarieswhohavesufferedfromcertainthingscannotrememberthemwithoutahorrorwhichparalyseseveryotherpleasure,eventhatofreadingatale.

           Julienachievedscantsuccessinhisessaysathypocriticalgestures.Heexperiencedmomentsofdisgust,andevenofcompletediscouragement.Hewasnotasuccess,eveninavilecareer.Theslightesthelpfromoutsidewouldhavesufficedtohavegivenhimheartagain,forthedifficultytoovercomewasnotverygreat,buthewasalone,likeaderelictshipinthemiddleoftheocean."AndwhenIdosucceed,"hewouldsaytohimself,"thinkofhavingtopassawholelifetimeinsuchawfulcompany,gluttonswhohavenothoughtbutforthelargeomelettewhichtheywillguzzleatdinner-time,orpersonsliketheabbéCastanède,whofindsnocrimetooblack!Theywillattainpower,but,greatheavens!atwhatcost.

           "Thewillofmanispowerful,Ireaditeverywhere,butisitenoughtoovercomesogreatadisgust?Thetaskofallthegreatmenwaseasybycomparison.Howeverterriblewasthedanger,theyfounditfine,andwhocanrealise,exceptmyself,theuglinessofmysurroundings?"

           Thismomentwasthemosttryinginhiswholelife.

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