Емма

Chapter 14

           Ihavebeenwalkingoverthecountry,andamnow,Ihope,rationalenoughtomaketherestofmyletterwhatitoughttobe.Itis,infact,amostmortifyingretrospectforme.Ibehavedshamefully.AndhereIcanadmit,thatmymannerstoMissW.,inbeingunpleasanttoMissF.,werehighlyblameable.Shedisapprovedthem,whichoughttohavebeenenough.Mypleaofconcealingthetruthshedidnotthinksufficient.Shewasdispleased;Ithoughtunreasonablyso:Ithoughther,onathousandoccasions,unnecessarilyscrupulousandcautious:Ithoughtherevencold.Butshewasalwaysright.IfIhadfollowedherjudgment,andsubduedmyspiritstothelevelofwhatshedeemedproper,IshouldhaveescapedthegreatestunhappinessIhaveeverknown.Wequarrelled.DoyourememberthemorningspentatDonwell?Thereeverylittledissatisfactionthathadoccurredbeforecametoacrisis.Iwaslate;Imetherwalkinghomebyherself,andwantedtowalkwithher,butshewouldnotsufferit.Sheabsolutelyrefusedtoallowme,whichIthenthoughtmostunreasonable.Now,however,Iseenothinginitbutaverynaturalandconsistentdegreeofdiscretion.WhileI,toblindtheworldtoourengagement,wasbehavingonehourwithobjectionableparticularitytoanotherwoman,wasshetobeconsentingthenexttoaproposalwhichmighthavemadeeverypreviouscautionuseless?HadwebeenmetwalkingtogetherbetweenDonwellandHighbury,thetruthmusthavebeensuspected.Iwasmadenough,however,toresent.Idoubtedheraffection.

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