Chapter 12

           

           Tillnowthatshewasthreatenedwithitsloss,EmmahadneverknownhowmuchofherhappinessdependedonbeingfirstwithMr.Knightley,firstininterestandaffection.Satisfiedthatitwasso,andfeelingitherdue,shehadenjoyeditwithoutreflection;andonlyinthedreadofbeingsupplanted,foundhowinexpressiblyimportantithadbeen.Long,verylong,shefeltshehadbeenfirst;for,havingnofemaleconnexionsofhisown,therehadbeenonlyIsabellawhoseclaimscouldbecomparedwithhers,andshehadalwaysknownexactlyhowfarhelovedandesteemedIsabella.Shehadherselfbeenfirstwithhimformanyyearspast.Shehadnotdeservedit;shehadoftenbeennegligentorperverse,slightinghisadvice,orevenwilfullyopposinghim,insensibleofhalfhismerits,andquarrellingwithhimbecausehewouldnotacknowledgeherfalseandinsolentestimateofherownbutstill,fromfamilyattachmentandhabit,andthoroughexcellenceofmind,hehadlovedher,andwatchedoverherfromagirl,withanendeavourtoimproveher,andananxietyforherdoingright,whichnoothercreaturehadatallshared.Inspiteofallherfaults,sheknewshewasdeartohim;mightshenotsay,verydear?Whenthesuggestionsofhope,however,whichmustfollowhere,presentedthemselves,shecouldnotpresumetoindulgethem.HarrietSmithmightthinkherselfnotunworthyofbeingpeculiarly,exclusively,passionatelylovedbyMr.Knightley.Shecouldnot.

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