Скорбота сатани

Chapter 35

           "Afterwardshowever,whenhehadgone,sheturnedtomewithagrinandremarked—"YousawmekissBertie,didn’tyou?Ioftendo;he’squitelikemybrother!"ImadenoreplyIonlysmiledvaguely;andthenextdayshesentmeavaluablediamondring,whichIatoncereturnedtoherwithaprimlittlenote,statingthatIwasmuchobliged,butthatmyfatherconsideredmetooyoungasyettoweardiamonds.WhydoIthinkofthesetriflesnowIwonder!nowwhenIamabouttotakemyleaveoflifeandallitslies!...Thereisalittlebirdsingingoutsidemybedroomwindowsuchaprettycreature!Isupposeitishappy?itshouldbe,asitisnothuman...ThetearsareinmyeyesasIlistentoitssweetwarbling,andthinkthatitwillbelivingandsingingstillto-dayatsunsetwhenIamdead!

           Thatlastsentencewasmeresentiment,forIamnotsorrytodie.IfIfelttheleastregretaboutitIshouldnotcarryoutmyintention.ImustresumemynarrativeforitisananalysisIamtryingtomakeofmyself,tofindoutifIcanwhethertherearenoexcusestobefoundformyparticulardispositionwhetheritisnotafterall,theeducationandtrainingIhavehadthathavemademewhatIam,orwhetherindeedIwasbornevilfromthefirst.Thecircumstancesthatsurroundedme,didnot,atanyrate,tendtosoftenorimprovemycharacter.Ihadjustpassedmyseventeenthbirthday,whenonemorningmyfathercalledmeintohislibraryandtoldmethetruepositionofhisaffairs.

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