Скорбота сатани

Chapter 35

           Buthehastreatedmepreciselyashemighttreatapaidmistressthatis,hehasfedme,clothedme,andprovidedmewithmoneyandjewelsinreturnformakingmethetoyofhispassionsbuthehasnotgivenmeonetouchofsympathyoneproofofself-denialorhumaneforbearance.Therefore,Iowehimnothing.Andnowhe,andmylovewhowillnotbemylover,havegoneawaytogether;IamfreetodoasIwillwiththissmallpulsewithinmecalledlife,whichisafterall,onlyathread,easilybroken.Thereisnoonetosaymenay,ortoholdmyhandbackfromgivingmyselfthefinalquietus.ItiswellIhavenofriends;itisgoodformethatIhaveprobedthehypocrisyandsocialshamoftheworld,andthatIhavemasteredthefollowinghardtruthsoflifethatthereisnolovewithoutlustnofriendshipwithoutself-interestnoreligionwithoutavariceandnoso-calledvirtuewithoutitsaccompanyingstrongervice.Who,knowingthesethings,wouldcaretotakepartinthem!OnthevergeofthegraveIlookbackalongtheshortvistaofmyyears,andIseemyselfachildinthisveryplace,thiswoodedWillowsmere;IcannotehowthatlifebegantowhichIamabouttoputanend.Pampered,pettedandspoilt,toldthatImust‘lookpretty’andtakepleasureinmyclothes,Iwasevenattheageoften,capableofacertainamountofcoquetry.

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