A Girl’s Thoughts

           

           Whatperplexity!Whatsleeplessnights!GreatGod.AmIgoingtomakemyselfcontemptible?Hewilldespisemehimself.Butheisleaving,heisgoingaway.

           AlfreddeMusset.

           Mathildehadnotwrittenwithoutastruggle.WhatevermighthavebeenthebeginningofherinterestinJulien,itsoondominatedthatpridewhichhadreignedunchallengedinherheartsinceshehadbeguntoknowherself.Thiscoldandhaughtysoulwassweptawayforthefirsttimebyasentimentofpassion,butifthispassiondominatedherpride,itstillkeptfaithfullytothehabitsofthatpride.Twomonthsofstrugglesandnewsensationshadtransformed,sotospeakherwholemorallife.

           Mathildethoughtshewasinsightofhappiness.Thisvista,irresistibleasitisforthosewhocombineasuperiorintellectwithacourageoussoul,hadtostruggleforalongtimeagainstherselfrespectandallhervulgarduties.Onedayshewentintohermother’sroomatseveno’clockinthemorningandaskedpermissiontotakerefugeinVillequier.Themarquisedidnotevendeigntoanswerher,andadvisedhertogobacktobed.Thiswasthelasteffortofvulgarprudenceandrespectfortradition.

           ThefearofdoingwrongandofoffendingthoseideaswhichtheCaylus’s,thedeLuz’s,theCroisenois’heldforsacredhadlittlepoweroverhersoul.Sheconsideredsuchcreaturesincapableofunderstandingher.Shewouldhaveconsultedthem,ifithadbeenamatterofbuyingacarriageoranestate.HerrealfearwasthatJulienwasdispleasedwithher.

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