Джэйн Эйр

Chapter XXVII

           FortenlongyearsIrovedabout,livingfirstinonecapital,thenanother:sometimesinSt.Petersburg;oftenerinParis;occasionallyinRome,Naples,andFlorence. Providedwithplentyofmoneyandthepassportofanoldname,Icouldchoosemyownsociety:nocircleswereclosedagainstme. IsoughtmyidealofawomanamongstEnglishladies,Frenchcountesses,Italiansignoras,andGermangrafinnen.Icouldnotfindher. Sometimes,forafleetingmoment,IthoughtIcaughtaglance,heardatone,beheldaform,whichannouncedtherealisationofmydream:butIwaspresentlyundeserved. YouarenottosupposethatIdesiredperfection,eitherofmindorperson. Ilongedonlyforwhatsuitedme—fortheantipodesoftheCreole:andIlongedvainly. AmongstthemallIfoundnotonewhom,hadIbeeneversofree,I—warnedasIwasoftherisks,thehorrors,theloathingsofincongruousunions—wouldhaveaskedtomarryme. Disappointmentmademereckless. Itrieddissipation—neverdebauchery:thatIhated,andhate. ThatwasmyIndianMessalina’sattribute: rooteddisgustatitandherrestrainedmemuch,eveninpleasure.Anyenjoymentthatborderedonriotseemedtoapproachmetoherandhervices,andIeschewedit. 

           "YetIcouldnotlivealone;soItriedthecompanionshipofmistresses. ThefirstIchosewasCelineVarens—anotherofthosestepswhichmakeamanspurnhimselfwhenherecallsthem. Youalreadyknowwhatshewas,andhowmyliaisonwithherterminated. 

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