Джэйн Эйр

Chapter IV

           Iwaslefttherealone—winnerofthefield. ItwasthehardestbattleIhadfought,andthefirstvictoryIhadgained: Istoodawhileontherug,whereMr.Brocklehursthadstood,andIenjoyedmyconqueror’ssolitude. First,Ismiledtomyselfandfeltelate;butthisfiercepleasuresubsidedinmeasfastasdidtheacceleratedthrobofmypulses. Achildcannotquarrelwithitselders,asIhaddone;cannotgiveitsfuriousfeelingsuncontrolledplay,asIhadgivenmine,withoutexperiencingafterwardsthepangofremorseandthechillofreaction. Aridgeoflightedheath,alive,glancing,devouring,wouldhavebeenameetemblemofmymindwhenIaccusedandmenacedMrs.Reed:thesameridge,blackandblastedaftertheflamesaredead,wouldhaverepresentedasmeetlymysubsequentcondition,whenhalf-an-hour’ssilenceandreflectionhadshownmethemadnessofmyconduct,andthedrearinessofmyhatedandhatingposition. 

           SomethingofvengeanceIhadtastedforthefirsttime;asaromaticwineitseemed,onswallowing,warmandracy:itsafter-flavour,metallicandcorroding,gavemeasensationasifIhadbeenpoisoned. WillinglywouldInowhavegoneandaskedMrs.Reed’spardon; butIknew,partlyfromexperienceandpartlyfrominstinct,thatwasthewaytomakeherrepulsemewithdoublescorn,therebyre-excitingeveryturbulentimpulseofmynature. 

           Iwouldfainexercisesomebetterfacultythanthatoffiercespeaking;fainfindnourishmentforsomelessfiendishfeelingthanthatofsombreindignation. Itookabook—someArabiantales;Isatdownandendeavouredtoread. Icouldmakenosenseofthesubject;myownthoughtsswamalwaysbetweenmeandthepageIhadusuallyfoundfascinating. Iopenedtheglass-doorinthebreakfast-room:theshrubberywasquitestill:theblackfrostreigned,unbrokenbysunorbreeze,throughthegrounds. 

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