Мидлмарч

Chapter 61

           Withmemorysetsmartinglikeareopenedwound,aman’spastisnotsimplyadeadhistory,anoutwornpreparationofthepresent:itisnotarepentederrorshakenloosefromthelife:itisastillquiveringpartofhimself,bringingshuddersandbitterflavorsandthetinglingsofameritedshame.

           IntothissecondlifeBulstrode’spasthadnowrisen,onlythepleasuresofitseemingtohavelosttheirquality.Nightandday,withoutinterruptionsaveofbriefsleepwhichonlywoveretrospectandfearintoafantasticpresent,hefeltthescenesofhisearlierlifecomingbetweenhimandeverythingelse,asobstinatelyaswhenwelookthroughthewindowfromalightedroom,theobjectsweturnourbacksonarestillbeforeus,insteadofthegrassandthetreesThesuccessiveeventsinwardandoutwardwerethereinoneview:thougheachmightbedweltoninturn,thereststillkepttheirholdintheconsciousness.

           Oncemorehesawhimselftheyoungbanker’sclerk,withanagreeableperson,ascleverinfiguresashewasfluentinspeechandfondoftheologicaldefinition:aneminentthoughyoungmemberofaCalvinisticdissentingchurchatHighbury,havinghadstrikingexperienceinconvictionofsinandsenseofpardon.AgainheheardhimselfcalledforasBrotherBulstrodeinprayermeetings,speakingonreligiousplatforms,preachinginprivatehouses.Againhefelthimselfthinkingoftheministryaspossiblyhisvocation,andinclinedtowardsmissionarylabor.

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