Мидлмарч

Chapter 61

           Hehadcertainlyhadafewdebtstopaymorethanheexpected,butthetwohundredpoundswerenotgoneyet:acoolfive-and-twentywouldsufficehimtogoawaywithforthepresent.WhathehadwantedchieflywastoseehisfriendNickandfamily,andknowallabouttheprosperityofamantowhomhewassomuchattached.By-and-byhemightcomebackforalongerstay.ThistimeRafflesdeclinedtobe"seenoffthepremises,"asheexpresseditdeclinedtoquitMiddlemarchunderBulstrode’seyes.Hemeanttogobycoachthenextdayifhechose.

           Bulstrodefelthimselfhelpless.Neitherthreatsnorcoaxingcouldavail:hecouldnotcountonanypersistentfearnoronanypromise.Onthecontrary,hefeltacoldcertaintyathisheartthatRafflesunlessprovidencesentdeathtohinderhimwouldcomebacktoMiddlemarchbeforelong.Andthatcertaintywasaterror.

           Itwasnotthathewasindangeroflegalpunishmentorofbeggary:hewasindangeronlyofseeingdisclosedtothejudgmentofhisneighborsandthemournfulperceptionofhiswifecertainfactsofhispastlifewhichwouldrenderhimanobjectofscornandanopprobriumofthereligionwithwhichhehaddiligentlyassociatedhimself.Theterrorofbeingjudgedsharpensthememory:itsendsaninevitableglareoverthatlong-unvisitedpastwhichhasbeenhabituallyrecalledonlyingeneralphrases.Evenwithoutmemory,thelifeisboundintoonebyazoneofdependenceingrowthanddecay;butintensememoryforcesamantoownhisblameworthypast.

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