Мидлмарч

Chapter 76

           Thesuspicionsagainstmehadnoholdthere:theyaregroundedontheknowledgethatItookmoney,thatBulstrodehadstrongmotivesforwishingthemantodie,andthathegavemethemoneyasabribetoconcurinsomemalpracticesorotheragainstthepatientthatinanycaseIacceptedabribetoholdmytongue.Theyarejustthesuspicionsthatclingthemostobstinately,becausetheylieinpeople’sinclinationandcanneverbedisproved.HowmyorderscametobedisobeyedisaquestiontowhichIdon’tknowtheanswer.ItisstillpossiblethatBulstrodewasinnocentofanycriminalintentionevenpossiblethathehadnothingtodowiththedisobedience,andmerelyabstainedfrommentioningit.Butallthathasnothingtodowiththepublicbelief.Itisoneofthosecasesonwhichamaniscondemnedonthegroundofhischaracteritisbelievedthathehascommittedacrimeinsomeundefinedway,becausehehadthemotivefordoingit;andBulstrode’scharacterhasenvelopedme,becauseItookhismoney.Iamsimplyblightedlikeadamagedearofcornthebusinessisdoneandcan’tbeundone."

           "Oh,itishard!"saidDorothea."Iunderstandthedifficultythereisinyourvindicatingyourself.Andthatallthisshouldhavecometoyouwhohadmeanttoleadahigherlifethanthecommon,andtofindoutbetterwaysIcannotbeartorestinthisasunchangeable.Iknowyoumeantthat.Irememberwhatyousaidtomewhenyoufirstspoketomeaboutthehospital.

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