Холодный дом

Chesney Wold

           SostrangelydidIholdmyplaceinthisworldthatuntilwithinashorttimebackIhadnever,tomyownmother’sknowledge,breathedhadbeenburiedhadneverbeenendowedwithlifehadneverborneaname.Whenshehadfirstseenmeinthechurchshehadbeenstartledandhadthoughtofwhatwouldhavebeenlikemeifithadeverlived,andhadlivedon,butthatwasallthen.Whatmorethelettertoldmeneedsnottoberepeatedhere.Ithasitsowntimesandplacesinmystory.Myfirstcarewastoburnwhatmymotherhadwrittenandtoconsumeevenitsashes.IhopeitmaynotappearveryunnaturalorbadinmethatIthenbecameheavilysorrowfultothinkIhadeverbeenreared.ThatIfeltasifIknewitwouldhavebeenbetterandhappierformanypeopleifindeedIhadneverbreathed.ThatIhadaterrorofmyselfasthedangerandthepossibledisgraceofmyownmotherandofaproudfamilyname.ThatIwassoconfusedandshakenastobepossessedbyabeliefthatitwasrightandhadbeenintendedthatIshoulddieinmybirth,andthatitwaswrongandnotintendedthatIshouldbethenalive.ThesearetherealfeelingsthatIhad.Ifellasleepwornout,andwhenIawokeIcriedafreshtothinkthatIwasbackintheworldwithmyloadoftroubleforothers.Iwasmorethaneverfrightenedofmyself,thinkinganewofheragainstwhomIwasawitness,oftheownerofChesneyWold,ofthenewandterriblemeaningoftheoldwordsnowmoaninginmyearlikeasurgeupontheshore,"Yourmother,Esther,wasyourdisgrace,andyouarehers.

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