Холодный дом

Esther’s Narrative

           Also,Ihavetakenrathertoomuchtobilliardsandthatsortofthing.Nowthemurder’sout;youdespiseme,Esther,don’tyou?""YouknowIdon’t,"saidI."YouarekindertomethanIoftenamtomyself,"hereturned."MydearEsther,Iamaveryunfortunatedognottobemoresettled,buthowCANIbemoresettled?Ifyoulivedinanunfinishedhouse,youcouldn’tsettledowninit;ifyouwerecondemnedtoleaveeverythingyouundertookunfinished,youwouldfindithardtoapplyyourselftoanything;andyetthat’smyunhappycase.Iwasbornintothisunfinishedcontentionwithallitschancesandchanges,anditbegantounsettlemebeforeIquiteknewthedifferencebetweenasuitatlawandasuitofclothes;andithasgoneonunsettlingmeeversince;andhereIamnow,conscioussometimesthatIambutaworthlessfellowtolovemyconfidingcousinAda."Wewereinasolitaryplace,andheputhishandsbeforehiseyesandsobbedashesaidthewords."Oh,Richard!"saidI."Donotbesomoved.Youhaveanoblenature,andAda’slovemaymakeyouworthiereveryday.""Iknow,mydear,"hereplied,pressingmyarm,"Iknowallthat.Youmustn’tmindmybeingalittlesoftnow,forIhavehadallthisuponmymindforalongtime,andhaveoftenmeanttospeaktoyou,andhavesometimeswantedopportunityandsometimescourage.IknowwhatthethoughtofAdaoughttodoforme,butitdoesn’tdoit.Iamtoounsettledevenforthat.Ilovehermostdevotedly,andyetIdoherwrong,indoingmyselfwrong,everydayandhour.Butitcan’tlastforever.

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