Чувство и чувствительность

Chapter XLVI

           Myillnesshasmademethink—Ithasgivenmeleisureandcalmnessforseriousrecollection.LongbeforeIwasenoughrecoveredtotalk,Iwasperfectlyabletoreflect.Iconsideredthepast:Isawinmyownbehaviour,sincethebeginningofouracquaintancewithhimlastautumn,nothingbutaseriesofimprudencetowardsmyself,andwantofkindnesstoothers.Isawthatmyownfeelingshadpreparedmysufferings,andthatmywantoffortitudeunderthemhadalmostledmetothegrave.Myillness,Iwellknew,hadbeenentirelybroughtonbymyselfbysuchnegligenceofmyownhealth,asIhadfeltevenatthetimetobewrong.HadIdied,—itwouldhavebeenself-destruction.Ididnotknowmydangertillthedangerwasremoved;butwithsuchfeelingsasthesereflectionsgaveme,Iwonderatmyrecovery,—wonderthattheveryeagernessofmydesiretolive,tohavetimeforatonementtomyGod,andtoyouall,didnotkillmeatonce.HadIdied,—inwhatpeculiarmiseryshouldIhaveleftyou,mynurse,myfriend,mysister!—You,whohadseenallthefretfulselfishnessofmylatterdays;whohadknownallthemurmuringsofmyheart!—HowshouldIhavelivedinYOURremembrance!—Mymothertoo!Howcouldyouhaveconsoledher!—Icannotexpressmyownabhorrenceofmyself.WheneverIlookedtowardsthepast,Isawsomedutyneglected,orsomefailingindulged.Everybodyseemedinjuredbyme.Thekindness,theunceasingkindnessofMrs.Jennings,Ihadrepaidwithungratefulcontempt.

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