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Chapter II

           Whataconsternationofsoulwasminethatdrearyafternoon!Howallmybrainwasintumult,andallmyheartininsurrection! Yetinwhatdarkness,whatdenseignorance,wasthementalbattlefought! IcouldnotanswertheceaselessinwardquestionwhyIthussuffered; now,atthedistanceofIwillnotsayhowmanyyears,Iseeitclearly. 

           IwasadiscordinGatesheadHall:Iwaslikenobodythere;IhadnothinginharmonywithMrs.Reedorherchildren,orherchosenvassalage. Iftheydidnotloveme,infact,aslittledidIlovethem. Theywerenotboundtoregardwithaffectionathingthatcouldnotsympathisewithoneamongstthem;aheterogeneousthing,opposedtothemintemperament,incapacity,inpropensities;auselessthing,incapableofservingtheirinterest,oraddingtotheirpleasure;anoxiousthing,cherishingthegermsofindignationattheirtreatment,ofcontemptoftheirjudgment. IknowthathadIbeenasanguine,brilliant,careless,exacting,handsome,rompingchildthoughequallydependentandfriendlessMrs.Reedwouldhaveenduredmypresencemorecomplacently;herchildrenwouldhaveentertainedformemoreofthecordialityoffellow-feeling;theservantswouldhavebeenlesspronetomakemethescapegoatofthenursery. 

           Daylightbegantoforsakethered-room;itwaspastfouro’clock,andthebecloudedafternoonwastendingtodreartwilight. Iheardtherainstillbeatingcontinuouslyonthestaircasewindow,andthewindhowlinginthegrovebehindthehall; Igrewbydegreescoldasastone,andthenmycouragesank. Myhabitualmoodofhumiliation,self-doubt,forlorndepression,felldampontheembersofmydecayingire. AllsaidIwaswicked,andperhapsImightbeso;whatthoughthadIbeenbutjustconceivingofstarvingmyselftodeath?Thatcertainlywasacrime:andwasIfittodie? OrwasthevaultunderthechancelofGatesheadChurchaninvitingbourne? 

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