Скорбь сатаны

Chapter 36

           Betweentheirstrainedæstheticismandunbridledsensualism,myspirithasbeenstretchedontherackandbrokenonthewheel,...Ishouldthinkmanyawretchedwomanwreckedamonglove’sdisillusionsmustcursethemasIdo!

           ·····Iamreadynow,Ithink.Thereisnothingmoretosay.Ioffernoexcusesformyself.IamasIwasmade—aproudandrebelliouswoman,self-willedandsensual,seeingnofaultinfreelove,andnocrimeinconjugalinfidelity—andifIamvicious,Icanhonestlydeclarethatmyviceshavebeenencouragedandfosteredinmebymostoftheliteraryteachersofmytime.Imarried,asmostwomenofmysetmarry,merelyformoney—Iloved,asmostwomenofmysetlove,formerebodilyattraction—Idie,asmostwomenofmysetwilldie,eithernaturallyorself-slain,inutteratheism,rejoicingthatthereisnoGodandnoHereafter!

           ·····Ihadthepoisoninmyhandamomentago,readytotake,whenIsuddenlyfeltsomeoneapproachingmestealthilyfrombehind,andglancingupquicklyatthemirrorIsaw...mymother!Herface,hideousandghastlyasithadbeeninherlastillness,wasreflectedintheglass,peeringovermyshoulder!Isprangupandconfrontedher——shewasgone!AndnowIamshiveringwithcold,andIfeelachilldampnessonmyforehead—mechanicallyIhavesoakedahandkerchiefwithperfumefromoneofthesilverbottlesonthedressingtable,andhavepasseditacrossmytemplestohelpmerecoverfromthissickswooningsensation.

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