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Chapter 36

           Torecover!—howfoolishofme,seeingIamabouttodie.Idonotbelieveinghosts—yetIcouldhaveswornmymotherwasactuallypresentjustnow—ofcourseitwasanopticaldelusionofmyownfeverishbrain.ThestrongscentonmyhandkerchiefremindsmeofParis—IcanseetheshopwhereIboughtthisparticularperfume,andthewell-dresseddollofamanwhoservedme,withhislittlewaxedmoustache,andhisindefinableFrenchmannerofconveyingaspeechlesspersonalcomplimentwhilemakingoutabill....Laughingatthisrecollection,Iseemyfaceradiateintheglass—myeyesflashintovividlustre,andthedimplesnearmylipscomeandgo,givingmyexpressionanenchantingsweetness.Yetinafewhoursthislovelinesswillbedestroyed—andinafewdays,thewormswilltwinewherethesmileisnow!

           ·····AnideahascomeuponmethatperhapsIoughttosayaprayer.Itwouldbehypocritical—butconventional.Todiefashionably,oneoughttoconcedeafewwordstothechurch.Andyet...tokneeldownwithclaspedhandsandtellaninactive,unsympathetic,selfish,paidcommunitycalledthechurch,thatIamgoingtokillmyselfforthesakeofloveandlove’sdespair,andthatthereforeIhumblyimploreitsforgivenessfortheactseemsabsurd—asabsurdastotellthesamethingtoanon-existentDeity.Isupposethescientistsdonotthinkwhatastrangepredicamenttheiradvancedtheoriesputthehumanmindinatthehourofdeath.

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