Портрет художника в юності
Chapter 4
Hehadnotemptationstosinmortally.Itsurprisedhimhowevertofindthatattheendofhiscourseofintricatepietyandself-restrainthewassoeasilyatthemercyofchildishandunworthyimperfections.Hisprayersandfastsavailedhimlittleforthesuppressionofangerathearinghismothersneezeoratbeingdisturbedinhisdevotions.Itneededanimmenseeffortofhiswilltomastertheimpulsewhichurgedhimtogiveoutlettosuchirritation.Imagesoftheoutburstsoftrivialangerwhichhehadoftennotedamonghismasters,theirtwitchingmouths,close-shutlipsandflushedcheeks,recurredtohismemory,discouraginghim,forallhispracticeofhumility,bythecomparison.Tomergehislifeinthecommontideofotherliveswasharderforhimthananyfastingorprayeranditwashisconstantfailuretodothistohisownsatisfactionwhichcausedinhissoulatlastasensationofspiritualdrynesstogetherwithagrowthofdoubtsandscruples.Hissoultraversedaperiodofdesolationinwhichthesacramentsthemselvesseemedtohaveturnedintodried-upsources.Hisconfessionbecameachannelfortheescapeofscrupulousandunrepentedimperfections.Hisactualreceptionoftheeucharistdidnotbringhimthesamedissolvingmomentsofvirginalself-surrenderasdidthosespiritualcommunionsmadebyhimsometimesatthecloseofsomevisittotheBlessedSacrament.ThebookwhichheusedforthesevisitswasanoldneglectedbookwrittenbysaintAlphonsusLiguori,withfadingcharactersandserefoxpaperedleaves.
