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Chapter 38

           Busyatthe‘retorting’ofhisgold,hehadbeenchokedbythemercurialfumesandhaddiedinhideoustorment.Atonetimethisnewswouldhavedeeplyaffectedme,butnow,Iwasscarcelysorry.IhadheardnothingofhimsinceIhadcomeintomyfortune—hehadneverevenwrittentocongratulateme.Alwaysfullofmyownself-importance,Ijudgedthisasgreatneglectonhispart,andnowthathewasdeadIfeltnomorethananyofusfeelnow-a-daysatthelossoffriends.Andthatisverylittle—wehavereallynotimetobesorry—somanypeoplearealwaysdying!—andweareinsuchadesperatehurrytorushontodeathourselves!Nothingseemedtotouchmethatdidnotcloselyconcernmyownpersonalinterest—andIhadnoaffectionsleft,unlessImaycallthevaguetendernessIhadforMavisClareanaffection.Yet,tobehonest,thisveryemotionwasafterallnothingbutadesiretobeconsoled,pitiedandlovedbyher—tobeabletoturnupontheworldandsay"Thiswomanwhomyouhaveliftedonyourshieldofhonourandcrownedwithlaurels—shelovesme—sheisnotyours,butmine!"Purelyinterestedandpurelyselfishwasthelonging—anditdeservednoothernamethanselfishness.

           MyfeelingsforRimâneztoobeganatthistimetoundergoacuriouschange.ThefascinationIhadforhim,thepowerheexercisedovermeremainedasgreatasever,butIfoundmyselfoftenabsorbedinaclosestudyofhim,strangelyagainstmyownwill.

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