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The Supercilious Sacrifice
Forthefirsttimeinhislifeheratherlongedfordeathtorolloverhisgeneration,obliteratingtheirpettyfeversandstrugglesandexultations.Hisyouthseemedneversovanishedasnowinthecontrastbetweentheutterlonelinessofthisvisitandthatriotous,joyfulpartyoffouryearsbefore.Thingsthathadbeenthemerestcommonplacesofhislifethen,deepsleep,thesenseofbeautyaroundhim,alldesire,hadflownawayandthegapstheyleftwerefilledonlywiththegreatlistlessnessofhisdisillusion.
"Toholdamanawomanhastoappealtotheworstinhim."Thissentencewasthethesisofmostofhisbadnights,ofwhichhefeltthiswastobeone.Hismindhadalreadystartedtoplayvariationsonthesubject.Tirelesspassion,fiercejealousy,longingtopossessandcrush—thesealonewereleftofallhisloveforRosalind;theseremainedtohimaspaymentforthelossofhisyouth—bittercalomelunderthethinsugaroflove’sexaltation.
InhisroomheundressedandwrappinghimselfinblanketstokeepoutthechillOctoberairdrowsedinanarmchairbytheopenwindow.
Herememberedapoemhehadreadmonthsbefore:
"Ohstauncholdheartwhotoiledsolongforme,
Iwastemyyearssailingalongthesea—"
Yethehadnosenseofwaste,nosenseofthepresenthopethatwasteimplied.Hefeltthatlifehadrejectedhim.
