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The Supercilious Sacrifice

           Forthefirsttimeinhislifeheratherlongedfordeathtorolloverhisgeneration,obliteratingtheirpettyfeversandstrugglesandexultations.Hisyouthseemedneversovanishedasnowinthecontrastbetweentheutterlonelinessofthisvisitandthatriotous,joyfulpartyoffouryearsbefore.Thingsthathadbeenthemerestcommonplacesofhislifethen,deepsleep,thesenseofbeautyaroundhim,alldesire,hadflownawayandthegapstheyleftwerefilledonlywiththegreatlistlessnessofhisdisillusion.

           "Toholdamanawomanhastoappealtotheworstinhim."Thissentencewasthethesisofmostofhisbadnights,ofwhichhefeltthiswastobeone.Hismindhadalreadystartedtoplayvariationsonthesubject.Tirelesspassion,fiercejealousy,longingtopossessandcrushthesealonewereleftofallhisloveforRosalind;theseremainedtohimaspaymentforthelossofhisyouthbittercalomelunderthethinsugaroflove’sexaltation.

           InhisroomheundressedandwrappinghimselfinblanketstokeepoutthechillOctoberairdrowsedinanarmchairbytheopenwindow.

           Herememberedapoemhehadreadmonthsbefore:

           "Ohstauncholdheartwhotoiledsolongforme,

           Iwastemyyearssailingalongthesea"

           Yethehadnosenseofwaste,nosenseofthepresenthopethatwasteimplied.Hefeltthatlifehadrejectedhim.

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Roboto Lora
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