Портрет художника в юности
Chapter 4
Whenhehadeludedthefloodoftemptationmanytimesinthiswayhegrewtroubledandwonderedwhetherthegracewhichhehadrefusedtolosewasnotbeingfilchedfromhimlittlebylittle.Theclearcertitudeofhisownimmunitygrewdimandtoitsucceededavaguefearthathissoulhadreallyfallenunawares.ItwaswithdifficultythathewonbackhisoldconsciousnessofhisstateofgracebytellinghimselfthathehadprayedtoGodateverytemptationandthatthegracewhichhehadprayedformusthavebeengiventohiminasmuchasGodwasobligedtogiveit.Theveryfrequencyandviolenceoftemptationsshowedhimatlastthetruthofwhathehadheardaboutthetrialsofthesaints.Frequentandviolenttemptationswereaproofthatthecitadelofthesoulhadnotfallenandthatthedevilragedtomakeitfall.
Oftenwhenhehadconfessedhisdoubtsandscruples—somemomentaryinattentionatprayer,amovementoftrivialangerinhissoul,orasubtlewilfulnessinspeechoract—hewasbiddenbyhisconfessortonamesomesinofhispastlifebeforeabsolutionwasgivenhim.Henameditwithhumilityandshameandrepentedofitoncemore.Ithumiliatedandshamedhimtothinkthathewouldneverbefreedfromitwholly,howeverholilyhemightliveorwhatevervirtuesorperfectionshemightattain.Arestlessfeelingofguiltwouldalwaysbepresentwithhim:hewouldconfessandrepentandbeabsolved,confessandrepentagainandbeabsolvedagain,fruitlessly.
