Мідлмарч

Chapter 29

           Inconducttheseendshadbeenattained;butthedifficultyofmakinghisKeytoallMythologiesunimpeachableweighedlikeleaduponhismind;andthepamphlets—or"Parerga"ashecalledthem—bywhichhetestedhispublicanddepositedsmallmonumentalrecordsofhismarch,werefarfromhavingbeenseeninalltheirsignificance.HesuspectedtheArchdeaconofnothavingreadthem;hewasinpainfuldoubtastowhatwasreallythoughtofthembytheleadingmindsofBrasenose,andbitterlyconvincedthathisoldacquaintanceCarphadbeenthewriterofthatdepreciatoryrecensionwhichwaskeptlockedinasmalldrawerofMr.Casaubon’sdesk,andalsoinadarkclosetofhisverbalmemory.Thesewereheavyimpressionstostruggleagainst,andbroughtthatmelancholyembittermentwhichistheconsequenceofallexcessiveclaim:evenhisreligiousfaithwaveredwithhiswaveringtrustinhisownauthorship,andtheconsolationsoftheChristianhopeinimmortalityseemedtoleanontheimmortalityofthestillunwrittenKeytoallMythologies.FormypartIamverysorryforhim.Itisanuneasylotatbest,tobewhatwecallhighlytaughtandyetnottoenjoy:tobepresentatthisgreatspectacleoflifeandnevertobeliberatedfromasmallhungryshiveringself—nevertobefullypossessedbytheglorywebehold,nevertohaveourconsciousnessrapturouslytransformedintothevividnessofathought,theardorofapassion,theenergyofanaction,butalwaystobescholarlyanduninspired,ambitiousandtimid,scrupulousanddim-sighted.

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