Спрут: Калифорнийская история
Chapter IV
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“Iamnotabletolookforwardyet,sir.Thethingsthataretobearesomehownothingtomeatall.Formetheyamounttonothing.”
“Theyamounttoeverything,myboy.”
“Yes,toonepartofme,butnottothepartofmethatbelongedtoAngele—thebestpart.Oh,youdon’tknow,”heexclaimedwithasuddenmovement,“noonecanunderstand.WhatisittomewhenyoutellmethatsometimeafterIshalldietoo,somewhere,inavagueplaceyoucallHeaven,Ishallseeheragain?Doyouthinkthattheideaofthatevermadeanyone’ssorroweasiertobear?Evertooktheedgefromanyone’sgrief?”
“Butyoubelievethat——”
“Oh,believe,believe!”echoedtheother.“WhatdoIbelieve?Idon’tknow.Ibelieve,orIdon’tbelieve.IcanrememberwhatsheWAS,butIcannothopewhatshewillbe.Hope,afterall,isonlymemoryseenreversed.WhenItrytoseeherinanotherlife—whateveryoucallit—inHeaven—beyondthegrave—thisvagueplaceofyours;whenItrytoseeherthere,shecomestomyimaginationonlyaswhatshewas,material,earthly,asIlovedher.Imperfect,yousay;butthatisasIsawher,andasIsawher,Ilovedher;andassheWAS,material,earthly,imperfect,shelovedme.It’sthat,thatIwant,”heexclaimed.“Idon’twantherchanged.Idon’twantherspiritualised,exalted,glorified,celestial.IwantHER.Ithinkitisonlythisfeelingthathaskeptmefromkillingmyself.Iwouldratherbeunhappyinthememoryofwhatsheactuallywas,thanbehappyintherealisationofhertransformed,changed,madecelestial.Iamonlyhuman.
