Поворот винта

           Irecognizedthesigns,theportents—Irecognizedthemoment,thespot.Buttheyremainedunaccompaniedandempty,andIcontinuedunmolested;ifunmolestedonecouldcallayoungwomanwhosesensibilityhad,inthemostextraordinaryfashion,notdeclinedbutdeepened.IhadsaidinmytalkwithMrs.GroseonthathorridsceneofFlora’sbythelake—andhadperplexedherbysosaying—thatitwouldfromthatmomentdistressmemuchmoretolosemypowerthantokeepit.Ihadthenexpressedwhatwasvividlyinmymind:thetruththat,whetherthechildrenreallysawornot—since,thatis,itwasnotyetdefinitelyproved—Igreatlypreferred,asasafeguard,thefullnessofmyownexposure.Iwasreadytoknowtheveryworstthatwastobeknown.WhatIhadthenhadanuglyglimpseofwasthatmyeyesmightbesealedjustwhiletheirsweremostopened.Well,myeyesweresealed,itappeared,atpresent—aconsummationforwhichitseemedblasphemousnottothankGod.Therewas,alas,adifficultyaboutthat:IwouldhavethankedhimwithallmysoulhadInothadinaproportionatemeasurethisconvictionofthesecretofmypupils.

           HowcanIretracetodaythestrangestepsofmyobsession?ThereweretimesofourbeingtogetherwhenIwouldhavebeenreadytoswearthat,literally,inmypresence,butwithmydirectsenseofitclosed,theyhadvisitorswhowereknownandwerewelcome.Thenitwasthat,hadInotbeendeterredbytheverychancethatsuchaninjurymightprovegreaterthantheinjurytobeaverted,myexultationwouldhavebrokenout.