Голод
Part IV
Allthesame,Igotintoahappyvein—agrandvein,—andIfeltconvincedthatIcouldeffectsomethingifallwentwell.
IfIonlyhadaplacetogoto.Ithoughtoverit—stoppedrightthereinthestreetandpondered,butIcouldnotbringtomindasinglequietspotinthetownwhereIcouldseatmyselfforanhour.Therewasnootherwayopen;Iwouldhavetogobacktothelodging-houseinVaterland.Ishrankatthethoughtofit,andItoldmyselfallthewhilethatitwouldnotdo.Iwentaheadallthesame,andapproachednearerandnearertotheforbiddenspot.Ofcourseitwaswretched.Iadmittedtomyselfthatitwasdegrading—downrightdegrading,buttherewasnohelpforit.Iwasnotintheleastproud;Idaredmaketheassertionroundly,thatIwasoneoftheleastarrogantbeingsuptodate.Iwentahead.
Ipulledupatthedoorandweigheditoveroncemore.Yes,nomatterwhattheresultwas,Iwouldhavetodareit.Afterallsaidanddone,whatabagatelletomakesuchafussabout.Forthefirstitwasonlyamatterofacoupleofhours;forthesecond,theLordforbidthatIshouldeverseekrefugeinsuchahouseagain.Ienteredtheyard.EvenwhilstIwascrossingtheunevenstonesIwasirresolute,andalmostturnedroundattheverydoor.Iclenchedmyteeth.No!nopride!AttheworstIcouldexcusemyselfbysayingIhadcometosaygood-bye,tomakeaproperadieu,andcometoaclearunderstandingaboutmydebttothehouse....
